I posted this on my other blog.... but decided to post it here as well.... part of veering away from the notion that everything on this blog doesn't always have to be about the routine, free of any difficult emotions place.It has been a month since David took his life. The word dead, seems to roll around in the back of my throat and swallowed before I can say it. I can barely type it. It is said the first stage of grief is denial. I used to always think, how can you be in denial when someone has died? Dead is dead. And there it is in a nutshell. I startled awake in the middle of the night this week, my heart lurching in my chest…. David is dead. It’s like I acknowledged for the first time what that really meant. All of our experiences with him will now only be memories. How we’ll miss him cooking up a feast on Christmas… teasing all the cousins… making silly jokes. We were just beginning to renew our friendship this year, after years of my living away. In the past we didn’t talk often or long, but that was beginning to change. I cherished the times we had conversations where he revealed what he was really thinking. He always had an interesting perspective on things. That will be no more. So much lost just as it was beginning to be refound.
Having tried twice myself to put an end to living, I can’t help but reflect on all the joy I would have missed out on had I been successful. Watching my kids grow up to be such awesome adults. Happy days with the grandkids…. listening to all the endearing things they have to say….. marveling at their little personalities taking shape and changing. I’m so sorry he will miss all that. His life free from the chains of alcohol had taken flight. Now a new love ended just as it was beginning to blossom. It’s like a second life starting again, once your kids are grown and on their own…. adult friendships grow in the place of parental strife. He had that. So many new firsts out there waiting for him to discover are forever out of his grasp. I am saddened more for his losses than the ones I am left with.
It seems I still think about him every hour of every day. Thinking of his precious kids, knowing how they hurt. Hearing the melody in my head, Blackbird Singing In The Dead of Night…. And I can only whisper again, Godspeed, David, Godspeed. I miss you and all that you were becoming.
